Aug 26, 2013

Easing it out with a stranger


Somewhere between the fourth glass of Bacardi white rum  and 5th cigarette of the night my blurred vision got active and I started to notice the room im stuck in from the past one hour. My derriere gives a thumb up to the soft cushion holding it and im finally starting to feel my freedom peeking her head with a grin.After endless waiting for a job its time to give up hope and let my hair down. Staying with parents, waiting for placements since forever has taken a toll on my emotional stability.

Anyhow back to the basic reason for my drinking spree today is my joblessness. In 15 days I will turn 24. I’m gonna be 24, fat, jobless and sexless which is quite a sad combination. Relatives treat me like a cancer patient. Just yesterday one of my relative called me and started crying on phone, apparently she is really sad that I dint get a job as I was raised to be the  saint who would help my parents to upper-class family benefits. my parents already earn quite good i wonder why they want me to do anything for me... where is the good old rule of being independent gone? She could not control her tears and I could not control my rage. unconditional expectations are a pain in the wrong place, I know my parents expected this from me but they should know my DNA doesn’t support that. I was born dumb and its not my fault, it’s clearly there fault. After hearing her feel sorry for me and irritatingly happy for her son to make it Goldman sachs I hung up on her. I give a rat’s ass to her son’s placement. He was fat, with nerd specs and no sex… it was obvious he would make it big. her call was so annoying that i could not hold back my urge to poison my veins with alcohol   so I headed to my friend’s place who is having a blast with a live-in relationship arrangement since he parents shifted to kolkata. She is satisfied and shows that with weekend parties for her close buddies.. So it’s a crash point for deprived. She serves us alcohol and all we need to do is tell her how much we envy her.
Today of all day I feel alone in her apartment. It’s her live-in partner’s birthday and his friends have decided to invade our "deprived only crash point". I came here for alcohol and with 5 down im feeling nice and suddenly the world is a beautiful place. i decided to move to the spacious balcony to get some air and that’s when an unshaved, shabby looking guy with a black shirt and ripped jeans walks in the balcony after me asking for a lighter and for the first time im happy to be a smoker. Smoking is a conversation starter . So he stands next to me taking deep drags from his cigarette and I try my level best not to stare at him and look like a drunk perv, he was not drop dead gorgeous, just a normal guy with an unclean look. He choose to ignore me for a along time and because I have been give this treatment since school time I ignore his ignorance gracefully. Finally he offered to refill my glass … again a conversation starter. This is the night when I would pay a standing ovation to my bad habits.
 He returns with a glass of water... suggesting I should gulp it down to prevent my self from decorating the marbles with puke stains and I must say he has a point so I do as im told. Sanity slowly revisits my brain cells and I try to analyse my surroundings… I see people everywhere. Beautiful people in expensive clothes that i choose to ignore when i entered the apartment ; suddenly my grey vest and blue jeans looks outdated. I smell alcohol and cigarette in the air to a point that someone from outside would think the house is on fire but all of them seems to be enjoying and here  im standing in a balcony with an almost gorgeous man… now I realize he looks good. to break the awkward silence he  tells me he is an art consultant, moved to Delhi recently working for some Japanese client. As he speaks he tries to analyse my reactions and I stay cold… It’s not the first time I’m meeting some good-looking guy with an exciting job so im not surprised to learn this about him and in an instant I’m starting to hate him. Seems like I’m the only one with no job and a pricey MBA degree. He asks me about myself expecting me to shoot something worthy like he did minutes ago but all I could manage is “searching for jobs”.  After hearing his he starts narrating an incident from his Barcelona visit where he was robbed and left on the road by a group of people he met on the trip. I knew my revelation about the  job search isn’t interesting but he could have said some of  the clinched s to me like other always do but he dint and surprisingly that was a relief. We spoke a length about lot of things that night except for my job and I felt good. Not even for a moment I was tempted to sleep with him (may be I have reached a stage of  short-term celibacy). We saw the sky clearing and making way for the morning. It was time to go home. So we bid our goodbyes. He dint ask my name and I never asked his yet it was the best nonsensical talk I have had in a really long time.

Sometimes conversation with strangers are therapeutic. J

Aug 2, 2013

Crashed Dreams :(


I’ am home. I’ am still uncomfortable to call this place my home. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to accept a place; I have heard people say and  that is exactly the time I need to called it home without a heavy sigh.  While sipping my ginger tea and enjoying my second cigarette all alone at home I look around to the early hustle bustle of this city. It looks familiar yet it annoys me. The sheer realization of having to accept something that I dread is still killing me like a slow poison. I try to soak in the grudge and indulge in a long intimate drag. I found solace in my cigarettes. I’ am not a heavy smoker though, just 3 everyday... According to me that is just fine.

After the initial hoopla my parents started acting like any normal parents would act i.e., started displaying their disappointment in my inability to get placed. I know anyone would be upset but I wonder why people forget that I’ am the jobless one here so I will be more upset than anyone but I guess that hardly counts. People who pay for your degrees  have the right to taunt you when your pricey degrees don't help you earn the bread for the family or for yourself and all I can do is sit and listen.

We all grow up dreaming a perfect life. I grew up dreaming MONEY. Loads of it primarily because of its absence during my growing years. It’s not like I’ am a beggar but I have been to good schools with rich people so I look up to be like them someday but with my hard work. Sadly nothing really worked out. I have stopped believing in god. Had there been a god he would have helped me to reach my goals, its not like I asked him for the impossible. Not like i asked him for the dream guy on pricey four wheeler and a big house all I asked was a job.Dint get any as yet.

Endless rants and tears seem to be a daily chore to me these days but I know this too shall pass. I have accepted the fact that I should searching for some petty job and compromise on my dreams. May be someday I will be rich so what if that might happen when I’ am on my death bed? Still rich right 

Jul 31, 2013

Back to the CAPITAL


I’ am back to the capital, Delhi. It’s not as bad as  I imagined it to be while I was happily chirping around in Hyderabad. The first encounter when I got out of my train was with the auto drivers. We all know how sweet these people are and I ended up in a long chit chat with like a dozen of them before finally settling the rates with one guy. So I hop in and my not so jolly ride back home after a year begins through the overcrowded roads near the nizamuddin railway station. Nothing much has changed expect off course the traffic, dirt and dust and most importantly arrogance among people. I try to soak in the smell of the city I lived in for 22 years and yet never called home. Auto is honking all the way to my destination and I rest my bottoms in the backseat with butterflies everywhere in my body thinking about the awkwardness of meeting my parents after like a year. I'am not someone who would hug n cry and that’s something I get from  my mom but then my family is weird when it comes to showing emotions because we clearly have no clue how to what to do. So just to get out the awkwardness of emotional overflow we usually offer  tea to the person even if he is visiting us after a decade or even if he is back from the war and thus we suppress the emotions.
So my auto guys stop abruptly bringing me back from my nonsensical thoughts and I'am already home... Well I just have to climb the stairs and reach my home on the third floor but still this is home. I pay him and bid by goodbye to him and starts my workout for the day i.e, climbing stairs... with each passing step I cruse myself for leaving Hyderabad and everything that I so dearly wanted to make my home. Without a job and a pricey degree I walk forward and I see my mother sweeping the floor and all of sudden I could feel tears rolling down my eyes and I just ran towards her and we hugged , something that rarely happens in my family. She was shocked to see me and especially this gesture, most importantly she was feeling like she is being crushed by me but i refuse to leave her.  After the soothing embrace I could feel my heart and body regaining the strength to get on with the fight of job hunting.

Hoping for some luck and a way to fall in love with Delhi J

Jun 2, 2013

Blissful realizations

Every city has a story . Never understood the story of Hyderabad, there were days when this city roars like a maniac and days like this one this city embraces you into his wide arms and gives you that much needed assurance  that pleasure and pain are a part of the same coin.
Sitting on the edge of the terrace of my 5th floor room, wind creasing my hair and making me feel its refreshing aura skin deep. I was all alone on a date with this beautiful city. Monsoons change the way we see a city. Few weeks back Hyderabad was blazing and roasting us in its vengeance and now its calm and soothing like this place has made peace with our existence on his soil.

Few things that you realize and need on a rainy day:-

 State of happiness

v  How to forget sorrows

v  How to smile with the nature

v  Embrace ones beauty ( I feel beautiful on a rainy day)

v  The feeling of warming the bed with that someone

v  A long lustful lip-lock

v  Hot cup of chai

v  A packet of cigarette

v  Shorts, loose top and flip-flops

 I got to enjoy most of the things from the list except sex but nevertheless monsoon have just started :)

Jun 1, 2013

Friendship made uneasy

I have always admired chankaya .. If you don’t know who he is you better hang yourself. One of his quotes goes like this “one should be friends with people of the same status, never with the one below or above your status.” The first time I read this I dint bother to pay much attention but over the years I have realized this quote to be true in all the sense.
I have never had problems in making friends. However maintaining the relationship was a total pain in the ass. The problem with rich kids is that they never know what poor means... They think even the poor person( as in a college student) would have at least a 5k balance in his account all the time to splurge. It is not an easy task to make these fat brainy kids to understand that poor people like me won’t even have 500 bugs in the account by the end of the month.
In a hard way I have embraced the words of chankaya... Every once in a while I don’t make friends from different class but they themselves show me my place which does not feel that bad now. I now know how to take there mis-conceptions. I’m not so sure if there are people who feel like this but if there are then remember one thing... No matter how hard we try rich people wont understand and its better we don’t poke there unused brains. Hardly matter what class you belong to … there are good people in every class and when you meet them try hard to stay with them

May 1, 2013

After a LONG TIME...


It’s been a long time since I visited my blog. Blogging was fun then everyone started doing it so it’s no more fun. For me it has been a stress buster until everyone else started thinking on the same lines and caused clutter so I stopped it.

I had to start again. Stress in my life demands it. So I don’t know how many have read my post about how happy I was to leave Delhi  when it was emrging into India's rape capital  and come to Hyderabad for my MBA , well am sure not many have read it . Anyways it’s been 2 years in Hyderabad. Life was perfect with a boyfriend, all kinds of people and a never ending rat race but at the end of two years everything changed. 

 I'am jobless and being jobless after spending 12 lakhs of tuition fees for your degree is nothing less than a sin.

Being jobless isn't that a painful phase until you bump into some old relatives or schoolmates. In my case friends are fine because they are also unplaced, relatives don’t care because they already knew i will be unsuccessful; what hurts the most is the fact that my boyfriend is placed. I’am happy for him  I mean I’am supposed to be right ? so  I feel good thinking that  he will spend some part of his salary on me till I start getting mine but over all this is bad. Now that he is gone I can kiss goodbye to all kinds of action, it is now once in a month affair.  With so much happening it is extremely difficult for a happily unemployed person to stay like this and refrain from turning suicidal.

For me things are not that bad yet. i rant a lot but still deep down I'm enjoying this period . I sleep, I workout, I eat and then I complete all those unfinished stories that I have started in between my semesters. Life would be a honeymoon if we end up in a job that we actually like...  do we get paid for just travelling and trying new cuisines if yes please fill me in for the place.

Dec 18, 2012


So there it goes, the shame capital of India has witnessed yet another incident of an innocent life getting succumbed to the desperation of few hooligans.
 Rape incidents in Delhi is such a common affair that people treat it as part and parcel of everyday life; a thing to discuss on the dinner table or during the morning walks. Somehow it all boils down to   victims fault especially her clothes. On one side people talk about equality and on the other side they sabotage the very right of a woman, the right to protect her body.
22 years in Delhi have made nothing less than a ninja to protect myself and I’m sure girls from Delhi or any other place will agree with me. Right from the time we step out of the house till the time we reach back world is a battle ground and we are warriors protecting ourselves. The funniest part of it all is that the girls are always told to watch themselves and protect themselves as if it is our fault. just because we have a vagina does not mean its an open invitation to insert  
The people who are entrusted with the responsibility  to protect us  are too busy counting cash from scams. The maximum they do is  make some horrendous comment  and give ridiculous solutions like “ girls should not stay out late” , “ girls should wear proper clothes” and so on.
We are trained to forgive and forget but its high time that we , the women should be give the power to chop off the dicks of these rapists or stone them to death…. It is high time that we take stand strong for the protection of our dignity and pride
I sincerely hope we girls get the power of mass penectomy so that we can chop off those filthy tools. 

Shamefully signing off ,