I Don't Welcome EMOTIONS But They Sill Knock On My Doors

I’ am emotionally fucked up. I have been mentally fucked up before but never emotionally well not this badly before . Life is getting weird and unbearable day by day. I’ am experiencing plethora of unwanted emotions. I got into the college of my choices  but I can’t be happy in fact its killing me my best friend dint get into the college of her choice and I’ am not sure if she has any other options with her . I ‘am feeling very bad n sad for her. Its not good I have been very selfish ; I was never so disturbed by some other person’s problems or sorrows , never have I had sleep less nights  because my friend is in a mess(not getting into college is defiantly a mess especially when u dropped a year after your graduation hoping to get into shitty IIM s or symbiosis  ). I’ am happy to know that I’ am changing for good finally i have started to feel the pain for others pain  but its not good I stay sad and upset for reasons I know I can never come up with a solution. whats the point in being sad when you know you can never change the situation ?

          Second reason for this mess is my loneliness. It is more a feeling of loss than loneliness but I have no clue what I lost. Its feeling that you experience after you have a break- up from your serious relationship but the problem with my case is I never had a break-up then why am I so sad...  why do you feel sad about things that you were never part off ?  I have never had any serious relations let alone break- ups. The thing with love and relationship is that they give pain even if you are in one or out of it.

           Emotions are useless and hit you when you least want them to knock the doors.  If you are sad about one thing you eventually remember all those moments  from your past that you tried hard to forget and you tend to sulk all the more . Emotional fuck-ups are not welcomed by  anyone; people somehow expect you to be happy and accommodating all the time. I have seen this or rather experienced it  people hate it when you sulk like there are the ones licensed to be sad and gloomy and the sole purpose of my existence is to listen to there sad stories( can’t tell how much I hate it . Not that anyone is interested to listen to what I hate or not ) 

           This reminds of an incident when I was so badly sad because of some guy I had a huge crush on back in college and  like a buffoon I went up to him to tell that and like a gentlemen he heard what I wanted to say  and that s it . He dint say anything. I was not expecting him to be happy and chirpy after my  not so required confession to him but such a cold reaction? He was as cold as a dead fish no expressions at all . I at least expected him to laugh on my face but even that dint happen … in fact nothing happened no words said and done I told what I wanted to  however I repent for that act now . No issues now I’ am quite used to make a fool of myself in public and slowly but happily I’ am adjusting to that reality. Somewhere i was expecting a cold reaction from him but now when i think of it it pinches me somewhere for no reason . after i finished he said  He thought i came to ask for notes huh ? Notes it felt like a slap on my face . I mean  how many times do people blush before asking notes ? or how many times do people have trouble starting a sentence for asking notes ? how many times do people stammer for asking notes ? and there i was doing a bit of stammering ( not doing happening) having trouble to put my words into a proper sentence and he thought i did this for notes ? i know I' am bad in handling emotions but that day i realized I' am not just pathetic I suck beyond repair when it comes to emotions . Well that is history now i sincerely hope that this part of my history never repeats . I' am done blushing and stammering . I have learn t a lesson to be extremely happy the way you are  and never confess your feeling for any guy especially a few weeks before exams He might think you are blushing for notes or his assignment file or pen or pencil or whatever .

          While I write this I have no clue where I started from or what I started with and I cant say it know where and what will I end this with  ; such is EMOTIONS . They have there own way of coming into people's  happy minds and mess everything. It is difficult to survive without emotions but if have too much of it you are not welcome if you have less of it you are a cold fish... Then who decides the right amount of EMOTIONS needed to maintain the peace and tranquility of our heart and soul? Well I guess there is no such thing as the right amount of emotions. One cannot measure and use Emotions.  Till the time you show the good and happy face of yours you are welcomed everywhere but the moment you decided to sulk and walk with your sorrows you are typecast-ed  as someone who cannot see life is a positive way. You will be easily slipping into the tag of a pessimist like me … but you don’t stop there because this is your life your emotions share it if you feel like else store it and sulk later. The choice is ours we only need to exercise that power of choice .