Blissful realizations

Every city has a story . Never understood the story of Hyderabad, there were days when this city roars like a maniac and days like this one this city embraces you into his wide arms and gives you that much needed assurance  that pleasure and pain are a part of the same coin.

Sitting on the edge of the terrace of my 5^th floor room, wind creasing my hair and making me feel its refreshing aura skin deep. I was all alone on a date with this beautiful city. Monsoons change the way we see a city. Few weeks back Hyderabad was blazing and roasting us in its vengeance and now its calm and soothing like this place has made peace with our existence on his soil.

Few things that you realize and need on a rainy day:-

 v State of happiness

v  How to forget sorrows

v  How to smile with the nature

v  Embrace ones beauty ( I feel beautiful on a rainy day)

v  The feeling of warming the bed with that someone

v  A long lustful lip-lock

v  Hot cup of chai

v  A packet of cigarette

v  Shorts, loose top and flip-flops

 I got to enjoy most of the things from the list except sex but nevertheless monsoon have just started :)

Random Attack

I did mention bout my joblessness in the last post din't I ? So let me tell you being jobless is highly dangerous. brain when left loose creates havoc like mine just did today .. browse through the pictures and you will understand what I'm TALKING ABOUT 

with no work and  granted off for " RELAXATION " as my boss but what he actually meant is .. " keep - your-freaking-ideas-and-yourself-out-of-my-office-for-sometime".

so today i was frustrated no no I'm still frustrated so i decided to use my camera to capture few stuff and make  big deal out of it by posting in my blog.. I was say blogging is way.. its also a way to torture others in the name of creativity.. isn't that great ?

my bedroom windows overlook this small hut

told you I'm frustrated.. so i have no clue why i took this picture 

my room keys in bright yellow colour.. its quite an eye-catcher

the open waste basket for the people in the nearby apartment.. i have no clue where the garbage of  my apartment is dumped into

bright yellow curtains... looks nice .. i guess my house owner has a thing for yellow 

this is my favorite .. need i say why ?


thanks for bearing with the torture ( is at all you read my posts)

I'm sure i will come up with sum-thing worth reading

Tkcre
Readers ....

PRICED POSSESSIONS

Happiness to me lies in small things even though the big things like a nice top , a pair of shoes( converse) would make me go gaga over it ..





BOOKS.. i love them to the core.. this is my small collection of books in my hostel

PEN-STAND.. this one is special because of the aque blue shade  on the edges of a transparent pen-stand

PEN.....  I have a good collection of pens.. I'm absolutely crazy about pens.. i buy atleast 4 pens on an average in a week . This is just a small piece from my collection.

MY LAPTOP.... my blue SONY VAIO is my sweatheart..  and this is my hostel room and my bed that makes unwanted noise that might give wrong signals to the people next door

Realizations :-

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It’s been a long time I wrote something. My not so new college life left me with very few minutes where I could actually let my mind wander and think  because usually we are expected to talk bullshit and read  nonsense( according to me) and thinking well is very systematic here . What else can one expect in a B-school.

Today I decided to let my mind wander as much as it wants before the usual turmoil of nonsense starts and just when I left my mind for a walk in the garden of random ramblings  I REALIZED that It’s been 5months since I left home and came to the hostel for the first time.  The first time I left home I was over-filled with excitement to meet a someone in my new college so the feelings of sadness and depression were overshadowed by my excitement and nervousness for that special meeting. 5 months went fast and before I could react I became a consistent “C GRADE” holder in my class… I should be sad and shameful about this but now that I have seen enough “Cs” throughout my semester I’m quite comfortable in this position.

I just came back from home. Just a 10 day break from this hell and here I’m back  to go through the not so enjoyable roller coaster ride. This so called vacation of 10 days was like soup for me... When you are hungry and you have been served soup your hunger pangs increase and that’s exactly what has happened to me.

I’m missing home, my parents, my neighbour, the tree close to my house , the irritating kids close by and the metro train. I’m missing anything and everything associated with Delhi and NOIDA . This time there was no excitement as I waited for the delayed flight in the IGI airport Delhi. I could sense nothingness in my feelings after endless flow of tears I stopped feeling anything. This time it was different from the last time I kept telling myself. This time the person I wish to see  and be with will not be there. I felt cheated for no reason. I wanted to take my bags and run away, reach home and hug my parents and be with them                                                    

I knew I have to face this separation sooner or later. I collected my nothingness and moved towards my flight. I had to force myself to lift my legs and move further. With every step I took the vacuum of emotions in me increased. And finally with lot of sickness and uneasiness for the first time I reached my destination.  As soon as I reached here I wanted to meet him. I wanted to run towards him and tell him how much he meant to me, that he was my family away from my real family for me but I could not do so. His absence and my lonely presence in this almost haunted hostel and campus left me broken. To keep myself occupied I cleaned my room, cleaned the chair, table bed till all the corners were cleaned beyond the usual limit. my room looked extremely clean like the ones you see in those floor keep liquid advertisement so I stopped. I had to stop, I cannot keep my mind busy with work and run away from the reality that I’m finally here. I lay on my bed staring at the fan. I could feel becoming heavy and I let the heaviness trickle down in the form of tears I wept in silence-  for the times I fought with my parents, him. For the times I gave them pain with my rude behaviour.i wept for a long time and i went off to sleep. 

 While collecting the broken pieces of emotions and feelings I REALIZED how much my parents and my guy mattered to me no matter how hard I try to deny this fact and try to portray the image of an insensitive and stone hearted creature now I know what the truth is… the truth is that I would always sense nothingness without them.

Sometime you don’t have to express, you just need to realize and those realization will express it all ..

From the Window of my heart

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of all the sights from a window the sight of happiness and contentment is the most alluring. Here I'm  far from the madding crowd of my class thinking what is it that goes wrong all the time with me ? why do i always fail to be noticed? I know the answer but i would never want to accept it.. all this years i have never wanted to get noticed.. i loved being ignored by people.. because I'm always scared to blow off relationships with my shot-temperateness and irritating nature.  Each passing day i salute the people who stay with me for more than 5 hours a day.

I'm in a particularly weird mood today and as i write this post I'm feeling heavy. I wanted a change within me instead of doing that i change my external environment.. i assumed that moving to a different city would solve my problem of loneliness and lack of acceptance but sadly nothing has changed. everything is still the same.. people won't even think twice before throwing there arrogance and uneasiness on me. all these years it din't hurt much but now it has started to form small patches on my heart .

I screw up my present and then hope for a better future.. i know that would never work but by nature I'm stubborn especially when it comes to such frivolous things. Today i realize that I'm a weird animal.. I know what my problem is , I know what are the possible solutions but for some strange reason I don't want to follow that. Today i realize the root cause of all my problems is my RESISTANCE TO CHANGE. 

I hate changes like most of us.. i like changes when they are substantially acceptable but most of the times they are completely contradictory to what we expect. 

Today through the window of my heart i can see all those passing time where i could have done something to make it my memorable moments instead i choose to stay in a corner and let the moment pass by. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is experience such a situation of regret and remorse . we all make mistakes of letting things go without a second thought of preserving them and nourishing those memories as moments for future. as i look back all i could see is the pain of loneliness that i faced.. i long for acceptability ( not attention) but atleast my loved ones( apart from my parents)... I'm afraid the bitterness of my lonely past and little bit of present would end my further moving relationship.. I'm trying hard to hold on to each passing moment now and make the best out of it. I'm not always successful in doing so but I'm trying and I know someday I will succeed.

NOTE :- no matter how pathetic you are( and I'm sure you won't be as pathetic as I'm) its never too late to change yourself. Just try. you will feel good in your deathbed and trust me that is an amazing feeling

P.S: - i hope my readers( if i have any) would bear with my random mood swing posts.. if you can't bear i would suggest you follow someone better( and finding someone better than me is a child's play)

Synopsis 1 of my new chapter .....

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 one month in Hyderabad and one month away from delhi.. nothing much has changed ; life is still a bitch but i have good reasons to keep away that bitch from bitting me .. I HAVE NEW LIFE.

  Living alone was my dream  not because I dint like to be with my parents but because i wanted to be alone away from everyone far away in a place where I'am unknown to anyone and everyone and vice-versa.. to begin socializing from the scratch without any preconceived notions..

 The first time i came to this city for my GD n PI i dint want to stay here. The people , the food , the traffic everything seemed to be weired in its own way and i was suffocating here.

The second time i came here all alone to finally stay here for 2years( as of now) i fell in love with this city the moment is saw it from my flight.. the blurred vision was enough to assure me that this is what i was searching for..  a place to get lost( not literally.. ) . I don't know what made me realize that but it was an instant realization and I'am glad my instant realization din't go wrong this time..

Amidst of all the chaos in this city i found a soul who leads me to the good all the time , life would have been a deserted island without that soul and my willingness to adapt to this new place...  This place for me is  a combo of a small town in kerala and sum local places in NOIDA .. thats what makes Hyderabad truly special.

  I have nothing to talk about my college, i would rather forget that part and focus on the big picture i.e., My new life ,Hyderabad and My new found freedom. 

I have mentioned about my socializing without prejudices in the begining of this post well my socializing ins't go too well( how can i forget the fact that i more of an introvert than an extrovert) but i like it here..  im HAPPY here.. im at peace with myself here.

My hostel life needs a special mention here.. this is the first time im staying in a hostel.. never before this have i had a chance to see so many girls all together( I'am quite scared to be so with many girls .. that is usually because I'am not much of a gossipmonger so they find it useless to be with me as I'am unable to provide them with latest scoops abt other chicks here) .. i must add i get baffled being with them but now i have found a way out( dont enter hostel before the deadline is that way out) and the amount of skin show that happenes in hostel is beyond imagination. i would any day prefer to witness some skin show by the opposite sex than the same sex but i don't have much of choice so i will have to bear with this free added service of skin display by my hostel mates ..  ( i wont give details about it.. my blog should be filterd :)  )

SO , in short i like this change ( except when i want to run to delhi and drop muyself in to the braod shoulders of my dad and mom and i feel that  every night ) and i learning how to cope with this change.. CHANGE IS GOOD

Life is weired.. it runs aftr you to bite you yet it will throw sum loops in between for you to save yourself  if you catch the loop on time you are saved else ........
I found my loop it was not easy but now that i found it i can say it was worth waiting( and that loop is not just my new coll or my new city)

P.s  - My photography skills is facing a creative block.. i hope i get over that block and my laziness to take my camera from my bag as soon as possible so that i can toruture your eyes with my pictures .. till then bear with my words.. stay happy( if possible )