It’s been a long time I wrote something. My not so new college life left me with very few minutes where I could actually let my mind wander and think because usually we are expected to talk bullshit and read nonsense( according to me) and thinking well is very systematic here . What else can one expect in a B-school.
Today I decided to let my mind wander as much as it wants before the usual turmoil of nonsense starts and just when I left my mind for a walk in the garden of random ramblings I REALIZED that It’s been 5months since I left home and came to the hostel for the first time. The first time I left home I was over-filled with excitement to meet a someone in my new college so the feelings of sadness and depression were overshadowed by my excitement and nervousness for that special meeting. 5 months went fast and before I could react I became a consistent “C GRADE” holder in my class… I should be sad and shameful about this but now that I have seen enough “Cs” throughout my semester I’m quite comfortable in this position.
I just came back from home. Just a 10 day break from this hell and here I’m back to go through the not so enjoyable roller coaster ride. This so called vacation of 10 days was like soup for me... When you are hungry and you have been served soup your hunger pangs increase and that’s exactly what has happened to me.
I’m missing home, my parents, my neighbour, the tree close to my house , the irritating kids close by and the metro train. I’m missing anything and everything associated with Delhi and NOIDA . This time there was no excitement as I waited for the delayed flight in the IGI airport Delhi. I could sense nothingness in my feelings after endless flow of tears I stopped feeling anything. This time it was different from the last time I kept telling myself. This time the person I wish to see and be with will not be there. I felt cheated for no reason. I wanted to take my bags and run away, reach home and hug my parents and be with them
I knew I have to face this separation sooner or later. I collected my nothingness and moved towards my flight. I had to force myself to lift my legs and move further. With every step I took the vacuum of emotions in me increased. And finally with lot of sickness and uneasiness for the first time I reached my destination. As soon as I reached here I wanted to meet him. I wanted to run towards him and tell him how much he meant to me, that he was my family away from my real family for me but I could not do so. His absence and my lonely presence in this almost haunted hostel and campus left me broken. To keep myself occupied I cleaned my room, cleaned the chair, table bed till all the corners were cleaned beyond the usual limit. my room looked extremely clean like the ones you see in those floor keep liquid advertisement so I stopped. I had to stop, I cannot keep my mind busy with work and run away from the reality that I’m finally here. I lay on my bed staring at the fan. I could feel becoming heavy and I let the heaviness trickle down in the form of tears I wept in silence- for the times I fought with my parents, him. For the times I gave them pain with my rude behaviour.i wept for a long time and i went off to sleep.
While collecting the broken pieces of emotions and feelings I REALIZED how much my parents and my guy mattered to me no matter how hard I try to deny this fact and try to portray the image of an insensitive and stone hearted creature now I know what the truth is… the truth is that I would always sense nothingness without them.
Sometime you don’t have to express, you just need to realize and those realization will express it all ..